The Chronicles of a Broken Heart
Part III - Moving on and letting go
For two years I waited. I waited for my absolution that would never come. I wallowed in self-pity, I wallowed in dark abyss that up to now i fear coming back into. I was a broken man with broken dreams. I did not know where I was headed. I did not even know who I was.
For as long as I kept holding on to those shattered dreams I was lost.
Some people say that the hardest thing to know is when to hold on and fight for it, and when to let go. I had difficulty doing both. I did not know what I was holding onto and why I was doing it. I did not know when I should move on.
But during those times that I was in the deepest of my personal abyss I discovered something. I discovered one of the most important things of my life.
I discovered me.
I discovered and built on the things that kept me going - my principles in life. And in those times where I had nothing left but those principles, I realized their value to my life and to whatever I did. I allowed myself to be completely whole by myself.
Whole. i was alone but i was whole.And i did not need anyone to complete me. I realized that the only way to complete yourself is by knowing the true you. for a loved one may mean the world to you, but once they are gone, you will still remain.
I know I loved her. And to deny that would be lying, but perhaps i lost her because I needed to know myself first. I realized we were together for all the wrong reasons - except maybe for this one. for us to learn through failure how precious one's self is and how precious and important it is to give your love to another.
She will always have a special place in my heart - that I won't deny. But the love i had for then felt differently now. She was not my savior anymore.
And in those moments where I finally climbed out of the abyss all by myself I finally did it.
I let her go.
And I was ready to face the world. A new man toughened by old experiences.
Ready to fall again...
to be continued...
disclaimer
for all those who are about to read or may have read the posts entitled Chronicles of a Broken Heart, i would like to clarify that though the posts maybe based on past events, they are still fictional in nature and are simply products of a bored mind.
they are just feeble attempts of a lackluster mind to put into words feelings that may or may not be concrete but nonetheless evident at the time of writing - a medium where feelings can be artistically presented.
it is with fervent hope that i do not offend anyone reading the posts. the true me and my true feelings can and will never be manifested in this blog.
thank you.
Failure
There's this new Converse ad featuring Dwayne Wayde and the tagline: "Fall seven times, rise up eight." What a very powerful statement to capture the essence of failing - that of rising up and learning from that mistake.
Yet no matter how we psych ourselves up whenever the prospect of failing seems near, when we actually experience it the pain can never be denied. And even if we continuously deny it, the pain is there, it lingers well beyond the time when we say: "I'm fine, it's alright. For the pain of failure is being human. It speaks of lost hopes and dreams. A promise to one's self that is broken. It is a piece of your heart, where you have devoted time, energy, and passion, that is taken away. And as such, we cry. We cry for the what-ifs and the maybes. We cry for the opportunity lost that may never be replaced. Yes failure makes the best of men cry and failure makes the weak of heart falter even more.
Failure can never be taken away from our lives. At one point in our life we are bound to experience it. It is never wrong to feel bad about it, it is never wrong to be hurt because of it. For failure is a sign of our own weakness. Yes sometimes we can fail not because of ourselves but because of others, because of the world we live in, but still it is a sign of our weakness, of our inability to recognize it and stand up to it or perhaps to seize every opportunity to have avoided it. We hurt because we see we are weak. We hurt because we did not do enough.
And still there are those circumstances when we gave our all and the result was the same. No matter the effort we put into it and the pain we go through for it, we fail. And this is where it hurts the most. To have given your all yet to have received nothing in the end speaks of sorrow that is way beyond words to describe.
What can we do about it? Nothing. For pain will always be there. Go ahead and feel bad. Go ahead and cry. Feel every moment of your pain. But for every moment that you experience it, may it be the equivalent of clearing up your mind and knowing what you really are there for. Failure is the best teacher in terms of lessons learned. But no matter how good he teaches, it is still up to the student to learn from the lesson. May the pain of failing open up our mind to know where we really want to go and make the feeling of success a lot sweeter. May every moment of pain be enough motivation for us to rise above our failures and be better men, for that is the very reason why failures exist.
As a good friend, Mak, once put it, "If you are made of the right stuff, the hardest fall will lead to the highest bounce"
May you find in yourself that stuff that would bounce you off the highest you can possibly reach.
Ad astra per aspera (from the mud to the stars)
The Chronicles of a Broken Heart
Part II - Losing the one I love
Rarely do I have the chance to catch up with my HS friends, and when the opportunity presents itself, I grab it immediately. And that opportunity came today with one of my best buds. Cho and I have been friends for a long time, a friendship started out by me asking a simple question and Cho quickly retorting with: "Itanong mo sa buwan!" What a weird answer to a simple question, but it seemed that I was bound to that fate of stupid answers to serious questions. A fate that was to continue with the lady who would be a big part of my life.
***
It was November, and it was a new semester, and a wish for a new start for the both of us, but alas, it seemed to be that we were going to be tested by fate. We had complimentary time schedules. Her breaks were my classes and my classes were her breaks, the only day that I had free was the one where she had her most subjects. The visits became less and less frequent. The calls, previously 2 hours a day were now far in between. I got tired and so did she. We had separate lives now. Mine was now fueled by my desire to rectify my disappointing 1st semester performance; hers was grabbing that athletic scholarship she so badly needed.
But I often asked myself, why am I doing this to the one I love... to the one who completed me? But even before I could answer I already had an answer in mind - I'm doing this for our future, for me to have a stable foundation we can build upon. Serious question, stupid answer. I wasn't doing it for us, I was doing it for me. Though I feigned in my mind that I was already complete, in reality, I was not. I had too much pride to allow love to complete me. I had things to accomplish, and everything else could wait. And had I been true to myself, I could have avoided all the pains and heartaches we were about to experience... but a stupid answer got in the way. That answer justified all my shortcomings with her. If she had her own, I never did know, but it was enough to slowly chip away our already fragile relationship. Had I faced that fact, my weakness, things would have gone differently.
I did try to sort things out, to rectify my mistakes. But another thing came in between us - school pride. I was so against her school that the few times that we were able to talk often up ending me berating her school and she slamming down the phone in disgust over what I said. This was already normal routine (even in our courtship) and I'd immediately rush over to her house to ask for forgiveness. It became so regular that I started to get tired of it. I asked myself why I am always the one going out to make amends. And my answer: Because that’s how it has always been.
December came and amidst the usually fun Christmas celebrations, our relationship was in its most fragile. Instead of us enjoying the break, we did a very traditional exchanging of gifts. The perfect way of couples celebrating Christmas. Oh gee. And when the 31st came, I had a plan to somehow make up for lost time. I was going to talk to her from 8 pm up till the New Year so we can welcome it together with the promise of having a better year for our relationship.
But everything ended with the familiar slam of the phone. One minute we were animatedly discussing a serious topic, the next I hear her blurting
"Ganyan ka naman palagi e!"And then silence from the other end of the line. While everything around me emitted some form of noise, the most important source of noise I wanted to hear went blank. After a few seconds comprehending what happened, I picked up the phone and redialed her number, only to be met by 2 rings, a lifting of the handset and hurriedly placing it down by the phone. I was talking to dead air and I went numb.
Did it all come to this?I was numb and I did not know what to do. Would I run to her?
No. Enough is enough. I've been running to her every time. It's her turn now.With a stupid answer I justified losing what has been me. I justified losing the happy moments we have spent together, the painful ones, the tearful ones. I justified losing the one I love.
To be continued...
testing testing!
Well well well.. I just downloaded Blogger for word and now testing it. Let’s see if it works…
