An ode to Oakley*
It is 3:56 pm and instead of spending the afternoon studying for a certification that I paid for handsomely just to get the chance to take the exam for, here I am just typing aimlessly at my keyboard trying to put into words the thoughts that have been forming from my head ever since I came back from my trips.In a span of about a month I traveled to two countries, Malaysia and Singapore, seemingly alike yet, different in many ways as well, where I stumbled upon old friends and started asking old questions.
I remember dreaming of becoming successful in the future. Of being able to buy anything I want, of being able to provide for my family in every way imaginable. Yet I also remember being content eating at small eateries or fast food stores, of buying simple clothes and being satisfied with things that are not flashy but gets the job done. But I also remember the feeling of wanting to buy the coolest techie phone out in the market, or getting expensive shirts or shoes or watches, of always wanting something better. And as I recalled the memories, the thought of what If I don't make it or what If I don't reach my goal suddenly terrified me.
I met up with some of my friends in Singapore and I can't help but admire them. By their bravery in facing the challenge of living away from their loved ones and also by their ability to earn income that I could only dream of now. One friend says he just wants to save enough so that he can just "retire" comfortably in the Philippines in the near future while one says that he's there to enjoy his freedom, both financially and emotionally. Steadily they are getting there while here I am...
I do earn more than enough (or so I believe) but there are times when I want to spend on something but then I realize that I can't since spending for that would mean that I have to give up part of my savings (of which, I surprisingly still have little of) or give up an allocation of my budget. Yet when I do occasionally splurge I usually end up getting the worst bargains, the most useless trinkets or the least-needed item amongst a long list. I can't help but feel appalled and saddened when the euphoria of a new buy has settled in. Always exclaiming to myself: "I spent so much sh*t for that!?"
And that becomes my metaphor for my life right now. I spend long hours at the office trying hard to work diligently in order to justify my boss' trust in me so that I can have enough money to buy the things I want and prepare for the future that I dream of. And yet, I fear that after all of these, I look back and say, "I spent so much sh*t for that?!"
I'm suddenly unsure what I want and consequently what it entails. I am afraid for a lot of other things yet perhaps the thing that I am most afraid of is realizing that everything that I did was all for naught and that I end up a failure in my own right while my contemporaries are enjoying their lives.
But beneath all of these, what brings me back to reality is that no matter what, I am still blessed. Blessed to be in a very great relationship with Tere who loves me very much, blessed to have a few and select friends who I can really trust, blessed to have a great family who is always there to support me. And at the very least I should be happy knowing that I may have spent so much sh*t for something, at least I had something to spend in the first place.
Its now 4:34 and I have to go get back and study. And hopefully I get to finish whatever this is that I started because after all, "I spent so much sh*t for this!"
*You don't need to know why this is the post's title. =)
posted by JaY @ 10/19/2008 11:49:00 AM
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